between dreaming and waking

It’s that witching hour again, that half-light hour when everything creative comes alive before its robbed of life by full light
It’s about 6:12am according to my wrist watch but really actual time is 6.02am and I do get confused about the time and not being sure if my wrist watch or the wall clock is correct…
It’s early and I haven’t been up early in a while just to sit and muse on things. If I am up early its to dash to the bathroom and get reading for something I have to do on telly at 7am or earlier. If I am not early then I am up at 10am or so when the house is alive and buzzing with life and I have no time for me.
Time for me
The right phrase.
It’s been so long since I really did have time for me, time to get up walk out on the front porch ,sit and think or pray inwardly or just recollect and energize myself for the day. It’s been so long
So friggin’ long, it’s only now writing that I can tell …the echo and beckon in my soul for some time…kills me
Just talked to my boyfriend a couple of hours earlier and he was aghast I was still up. (Well watched three movies back to back) and threatened me lovingly to go to bed or else…I was glad he called, earlier than the anticipated time too.
Boyfriend…
Hmmm
Funny I should call him that…when we haven’t yet physically met for 5 months, we both have played detective on each other, fought and cried and almost broke up but had our laughs too. I can’t say if we don’t trust each other for all that distance does to us but one thing we both enjoy is the way we gasp when the phone rings, the way we can’t hang up even after being on the phone for hours, the way we break our promises to not call each other when we think we have had enough of each other and guess what? We are right back at it. The way we tease and laugh at each other and share every moment of each day with each other as if the other was here or there.
Boyfriend
Sounds like a heavy word, one I never use, but to cater for the warmth he brings into my life with all the loopholes we have in this somewhat ‘virtual relationship,’ I am willing to jump ship and go on a mad dive in an ocean filled with sharks and call him ‘boyfriend,’
Speaking of…
The past few months and weeks have been weird…emotionally strung out, spiritually lifted one moment then…all hell seemed to break loose and…
I will confess I haven’t actually been to church in two weeks.
Somehow I wasn’t feeling it. For no apparent reason.
No , not exactly true.
Something happened to me somewhere in those past five months and I seemed to lose direction, seemed to suddenly slip into depression and anxiety and a whole lot more I personally could not explain .waking up was hard…really hard.
Some days all I wanted to do was sleep all day. Literally!
Other days I was moody and out of sorts and couldn’t stand anyone not even myself.
My dreams were muddled and fuzzy. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go on. My jobs, everything I did or tried to do…seemed hopeless and I didn’t want to do it anymore. Slowly a heavy cloud just seemed to hover over me glide down, hang there and…it only rained on me…while everyone else basked in the glorious sunlight of living… I buried myself in something else…
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing
Because suddenly I felt like someone came in and took my everything away, my creativity, my dreams, my heart, my life. I felt immobile, stagnated…useless. My mind could not for the life of me fixate on anything.
So I face-booked and took coffee.
Even on my last dime.
I made my way to a coffee shop for coffee. It seemed to provide some small comfort. And my friends…
I kept away…I don’t know why...but somehow I didn’t feel anyone would truly understand what I was struggling with. The fight to regain me and chase whoever it was that possessed me then.
Then the bad dreams…the heavy feeling, the weird sensations…
And I knew it was beyond me…this was spiritual. I didn’t understand why after so many years this was happening all over again.
Met my cousin on a Sunday after in I missed church and she told me one thing, ‘pray’
I knew what she meant. She was concerned and could tell something was wrong. The realization brought on the full monty. Depression heightened, lost vision increased, tripled in fact, and the lost-for- life’s-luster just catapulted to another level…
All I wanted to do was die. What was life worth for if I couldn’t dream or write or be me? I kept telling myself.
So I tried one more time and talked to God...told him I needed him to help me out because life was passing me by and I hated how I felt….
I woke up yesterday different…it’s actually been getting better since I prayed. I didn’t say much… I simply let Him Know I needed help. I just needed all this to go away and I needed to be me again, focused, pursuing my dreams, writing again, loving my jobs again. I needed to be me again…
And today…I felt alive… I did things I had postponed for two weeks…
And my heart has been craving for a book. I had one actually…I couldn’t make much sense of it before but clearer head now… I want it so bad…
So its Friday already and at the close of the last movie, I picked up a book that I had read along while ago on dreams, following them, being a dream catcher… flipped through, read a bit and the old nostalgia of me sprung up…me that needed time to go away, alone time to think things through, put them into perspective and brew them then spew them out on a blog or my journal…the old familiar feeling that it was going to be okay was back
My mind was rummaging furiously through the rubble that is, my mind, picking here and there…
Conversations,
Feelings,
Reactions,
Struggles,
The battle within…
And something else came to mind…
Questions
About me, life, people
When I battled my phase of indifference and lack of life luster….i knew no one would understand it…I tried.. and realized no one but God could understand it. The advice varied, ‘pray,’ ‘fight on,’ ‘don’t wallow,’ but no one really reached out deep enough to try and understand the mesh I was caught up in. it wasn’t my own doing, I wanted out, I just couldn’t get out.
I couldn’t blame them. It was deeper than understanding understanding (or maybe not). It was my need for a spiritual experience, a deeper connection… a need to meet with someone that understood deeply without so much as a whole narration of my ordeals to simply put a finger to my ranting lips and say, ‘I understand,’ in a profound way.
Just when I figured who that could be… the clouds started to part…
The book gave me insight too, reminded me why I still needed to live. Why I was important and why mistakes were a part of life and why it could not all be perfect.
I am not sure if I was depressed because life seemed so imperfect, and dreams had so many valley points or that pain and twists and turns in the journey could be so unplanned so totally out of my strict schedule or if it was all one big spiritual battle with God telling me he wanted to come through for me…better still both.
But I do know one led to the other. Now I know that. But as I look at this book and flip through. (I intend on reading it again) I know now, it’s all not easy, the things you love and attaining the mountain height. It all comes with a little pain, a little struggle, a little war and even disillusionment but when you have Jesus on your side, he comes through, he always does.
My life lessons in the past few months…people are not perfect, but love is. Be more accepting. Be more forgiving of you mostly…be less rigid…life can be a joke too, depends on how you look at it.
Enjoy the ride, it is actually fun…that way it’s easy to shake off the disappointments and pain…and above all forward movement….
A friend told me something I decided to take on seriously, ‘sometimes when you want something or you are into something, it’s important to first find out how you feel, block off what everyone else thinks or feels and find within you your answer…that’s the most important step,’ I am doing that too.
Is it giving me peace? Yes, and helping me handle my situations better. Less impulsively