self-help

know thy self- Socrates

from the moment i could say 'MAMA' I havent been too proud to say i am abit dysfunctional and need alot of help like the rest of the world. i believe in counselling not just for traumatized rape victims but for everyday life and i esteem relationships of all sorts further higher up the life ladder than work itself because at the end of ones life, like Rick Warren says (or was it Dale Carnegie) you wont ask for your medals and degrees but for your close friends and loved ones...so my quest in life has been to seek out true love, true beauty, true people.... and they are few. we are so marred, so broken by the imperfect world we live in and we conform to the way that has become...distorted and forget there is a better way, a higher way to live and be and thus we gnash in abject mediocrity which i told myself i would not succumb to.(i am not ashamed to say i am still traditional and believe in sex after marriage, friendship for courtship,and waiting for as long as it takes for a man on the same page as I)
now the highest level of communication between humans lies in the intimate connection between a man and a woman and for a man or woman to live in insecurity of the mate they have chosen goes to show the rocky foundation their relationship is on and maybe in a few years will either straighten out depending on how much they are willing to work at it or...it will end speedily. now instead of wasting alot of time looking through rose coloured glasses hopping the man or woman you think you love will change, yet dealing with insecurity, pain, unnecesssary fights, how about squaring your shoulders hitting the high road and believing for better than this!(a bitter pill to swallow, believe me , i know) our greatest hinderance is fear. Fear that no one will want you, you are getting old, you prolly have kids, your esteem is so low coz of the continual lousy relationships that have disillusioned you to a point that crumbs are worth settling for, the fear of the pain of breaking up, the fear, the fear...its all in the fear and more... i am a self -help junkie and believe you me,all the books ive read, tests, ive done, therapy and counselling sessions and counsellors i have met,has paid off, i understand myself so intricately, i understand people and issues alot better than many people i find (who live on the hindsight of their issues or are just shallow, too macho, too self righteous),within thirty minutes of a converstaion, i can tell whats wrong with their relationship and how they can fix it. just last night i was reading this book i accidentally got from my sis



in the forward of this book, this Doc Laura Schlessingeris a licensed marriage and family therapist, the author of ten New York Times bestsellers, and a regular columnist for NewsMax, a number one female talk-show host and the third-most-listened-to talk-show host in America... talks about how today's 'insta-culture' has separated the beautiful intimate promise of sex to just something you do when you feel the 'rush' plus it not being only okay but necesarry to be sexually experimental including a number of techniques, partners and genders and that 'what women dont allow, men wont and cant do' and the wise advice from a listener to her radio show 'be sure before you say I do , know the man in ALL four seasons (in entirety).
she talks of traditional courtship and what it used to be. i like the way she says it " courtship is gone, "instant"-intimacy is in. 'hooking up' is the catch word of the day. that means having sex beofre you even know the person's middle name. hooking up and shacking up are not about being in love with ideals, goals,and promises historically inherent in such proximity. HOOKING UP AND SHACKING UP are about having but without true giving and when it stops giving, dont worry, just go some place else hook-up and shack up all over again and again and again. hook ups and shack ups have no depth, no promise, no attachment, no contentment, no meaning' they do not demonstrate assumed value of participants. the saddest calls comes from women and men who after years of shacking up(and maybe a baby or two) want to marry only to find that the other person enjoys this perpetual state of uncertainity. the most annoying calls come from men and women who after years of shacking up decide that this really isnt 'the one' and its time to move on"

she clearly defines courtship as a platform that provided an opportunity for men and women to develop a friendship, an understanding, a true knowledge of another. a time of flirtatiousness and chivalry it was also a time to discuss religion,work family,children,homes,philosophy and to see how respective familes could function together. courtship was about taking time to learn about another in depth to decide whether or not to become intimate."

now, this sure does take alot out of the pain when you decide to walk away, dont you think?
Better than having to deal with the pain of betrayal, feeling 'used' , consequences like abortion, unwanted kids,cheating, abuse in all its forms and etc after messing up

now these are the chapter lineups in the book.

1. Stupid Secrets
Withholding important information for fear of rejection

2. Stupid Egotism
Asking not what you can do for the relationship but only what the relationship can do for you

3. Stupid Pettiness
Making a big deal out of the small stuff

4. Stupid Power
Always trying to be in control

5. Stupid Priorities
Consuming all your time and energies with work, hobbies, errands, and chores instead of focusing on your relationship

6. Stupid Happiness
Seeking stimulation and assurance from all the wrong places to satisfy the immature need to feel good

7. Stupid Excuses
Not being accountable for bad behavior. learn to apologise!

8. Stupid Liaisons
Not letting go of negative attachments to friends and relatives who are damaging to your relationship

9. Stupid Mismatch
Seeing the red flags clearly and yet you stay around trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Not knowing when to leave and cut your losses

10. Stupid Breakups
Disconnection for all the wrong reasons


you know what relationships are hard work and alot of commitment,
let me give it to you hard and straight, so unless you are a whole individual (meaning complete in your ownself,knowing who you are not as defined by someone else or circumstance, independent, pursuing your own goals, free of past aches, pains and entanglements, sober, mature and not deperate to be loved, looked after and cared for) give relationships a big break.
dating and marriage should be less about infatuation, lust and its relatives but about the compatability you share... religion, morals,purpose mostly purpose.(when the goosebumps of passion wear out and your relationship was based on that..what next?) you should get married as single whole individuals, that is a healthy relationship ,not because you are looking for the other person to fill the emptiness or sort your dysfunctional life like some God, coz we can all do so much and we all have lives to live with or without a partner...so be Absolutely sure about your mate and if the red flags go up about someone, please dont hesitate. the good and bad news about breaking up is; good news, you are free to make a 'best' choice' a better match. bad news; the pain lasts for a while.

by the way it is possible...dont let this insta-culture decieve you it aint possible!
have a great week!