LIGHTER SHADE OF PALE

Just plagiarized that title from ‘love notes’ (which I think is a fresh approach to romantic dramas… after rolling my eyes all through ‘over her dead body'.) it’s not really a hobby- watching movies… especially lame ones to come up with some reviews…it puts food on the table.
Okay watching the movie btn music videos as well and one of my favourites just played, from the Fiction Family, ‘when she’s near,’ so had to pause the movie to watch it. Lovely video; black and white colour setting (l love sepia, black white and whatever else that isn’t colour unless it’s a worthy watch) anyway, with a nostalgic sense of the 60’s. Sounds something of a cross between the Beatles and the Zombies with the artists all in a sixties sorta dress, hairstyle…it makes me happy. I love antiques, old dusty gramophones and such.
Music…the noise without.
Lately it’s been work, work and more work. When I get home, drop dead tired, All I want is my food, the TV, music…and some alone- silence that I never let myself into
Somehow the silence is scary. I am not quite sure I want to know what’s going on within. IT SHOWS ON THE OUTside and I still don’t want to investigate… crying over soapy things even La Tormenta, not wanting company, freaked out stone cold by all the things I loved to watch…horrors and psycho thrillers… I keep the light on in my room or draw the curtains way back for some light from the church beyond my walls to spill its rays right into my room. Then I check the gate, double check the back door, check the rooms and go to bed, listening for a while to the sound without… I fall asleep before I can get to the noise within…
Yesterday, for thirty minutes, the lights went out in the neighborhood. I was dog tired but still stared at my PC , the phone, the TV flipped channels. I know I just need some noise for the sake of it…hiding. Then the lights out, I could not hide anymore. It has been hot, so hot these past days, so I dragged my chair out and slouched innit, sipping on a glass of ice cold sprite that’s been neglected in my fridge since the BBQ. It’s the only cold thing around, so…. And for the first time in three weeks, the noise within grew louder, became clearer. The cool breeze, crescent moon, the dust particles , it was perfect, except the lack of silence without… the noise within grew like a wave crushing on a shore…harder and faster with each thrust and the mud and sea weed that washed up and stayed, I knew I had to face. I could not hide from the pain, the unresolved hollow questions, anger… I tried not to cry. I hated to feel like this; so empty without my work and my noise without… I wanted out but the still small voice told me, I would be okay. But I knew the price… I am not ready to pay… I picked my phone scrolled through for someone to talk to, my sis on my mind…but its late, she’s tired…I tried through to others then sighed. I did not have airtime. Too lazy to grab any. Too glad to not to… then the lights came on again…and I sighed with relief as the TV and Laptop and radio came on… and once again, I was swallowed up by the noise without.