see-saw

have you ever tried to be alright? you know coz everyone tells you 'oh it will pass. you will be okay. you are not the first to go through it. concentrate on something else that makes you happy. change your hair,, eat ice cream. work your butt off etc" and then you smile and its okay for a moment and you are on top of the world and then one little, tiny flicker of memory (remember you carry the scabbing memory of this traumatic thing within a corner of your soul and its like a stubborn stain that wont go off) so any how a flicker of memory, maybe a comment or a thought or even a gesture takes you back to that moment and the scabs tear afresh and the wound starts to bleed and before it, hard as you try to look composed and be happy. its straining you so hard, your head is beginning to ache.
then you drop the facade and ask 'who am i kidding? what do i need to hide, i feel like crap and its not going away now so why not just drop it and cry or really feel it then start scabbing afresh?'
or maybe you go to bed high coz you told yourself it wont get to you and then in the morning in the cold first light of day as you open yor eyes, it hits you that it wasnt a dream and more still the scabbing wound within your soul seems to pin you to the bed-heavy as lead and you know you wont eat another day coz you feel so bad but you have so much life passing you by yet
all you see
is grey
and yes, 'your not the first. yes, you will be okay, yes, everything happens for a rason'
but can the whole world get it ? that the pain is really tangible and i will have to face it day after day till it ebbs away and not pretend its not there coz i will have to deal with it , no matter how far i run.
so i decided if i become a sour puss, laughing one moment , crying the next; smiling then frowning, being a people person then withdrawing... i shall be as erratic as i want to be till i am okay other than repressing and being schizophrenic!