closure: i want something else!

i keep thinking i am one of those people thats never been afraid to be real and show my true colours as the cliche goes...but i guess at one point in life we all wrapped ourselves in the covers of 'some great goodness' so people didnt see our flaws and mistakes and then slowly we realise that people love and hate us for whatever reason and it doesnt matter how hard we try to be good or bad it wont really change their opinion much so why not just be you? that is the bestest and i believe the most saving answer to all humanities problems. if you dont like the fact that i have a great smile (which i do) laugh like a turkey gone cold, eat cake like am paid and go on a yo-yo diet its your problem not mine...the thought that i dont have to please no one was like going for deliverance. so these days when a guy likes me, i tell him i like my food, i am messy, i hate cooking on the regular and love my jobs plus i cant stand sharing beds so if you visit you will sleep in the sitting room coz my other room has no bed unless you get one and put it there.

its strange that recently we got a scare at work, we have been having many, you know when employers say things like 'you willlose your jobs for not performing' and i was soooooo unphased, 'who do they think they are scaring?' i owe the peace to the fact that i know that God got me this far and no human being so if i am to leave any place it will be his doing, i never sweat it. soo while everyone was worked up thinking of where to send resumes and etcs, i sat back and blogged.

another phenomenon that has me smirking my lips in utter exasperation is the 'biological clock ' thing. recently i was at GC with buddies and these guys almost nailed me to the ground worked up about the fact that i so totally was not dying to get married and get babies like all girls my age. one very logically put it 'Lucy, you are getting older, guys wont want you by 35 coz they will be looking for fresh blood, and you will have diffculty giving birth after 30, so think about it, get a man , get married!" i hahaed the lecture, well intentioned but really, my priorities have relationships dangling miserably on the lower end and ambition for success and lotsa lotsa lotsa money in the things i wanna do as the very prime objective.
someone today told me a girl was asked 'her one wish' and the little thing said 'a man" i hahaed, thinking, girlfriend, a man will come no matter where you are and what you are and how old you are, but do you have your act together? or you wanna be an average woman settled in for a happy home, babies, mundane semi charmed life? well some want that, be a house wife, or be an ordinary employed person forever working going home tending to hubby and kids...not a bad thing but not for me;every night i pray to God , i tell him, i want more, i want more than this life can offer, MORE!
and maybe thats why i have never totally dated a guy coz i am asking 'is this all? is this it? isnt there more? am i settling for less? or a job 'is this it? isnt there more? and about my ownself 'cant you attain more? arent you better than that? are you sure you can only stay in the background of this? are you serious you want only this? stars? how about the sky? buti guesss deep down the question is 'is this love? and what is love to feel like? and above all the deep uncertainity of if its the right relationship and if getting into a relationship will slow down my pursuits for greatness. selfish? maybe but better now than later . better now than living with regrets. me thinks

so with all this want for more , for better, for bigger for the bestestest, i find my self searching for better that what i think or thought was fabulous and i am sure that themost exceptional people, the people that have made amark in history were ordinary people that chose to step out of the general boat and reach for their highest most possible level.
being my own greatest competition is my moto. when i get depressed its coz i feel that i have failed and settled for less. yes i am really hard on myself and really hard on others, not good, i know, i amtrying to soften but, i flip occassionally. it keeps me going though and keeps me beleiving,there is more to life than that everyday temporary high... i want a permanent high.
how about you, what do you want from life
remember life doesnt fail you, you fail life when you fail to get from it what it has offered you.
huv a fab weeekend

meditation :
semi charmed life -third eye blind
more to life- stacie oricco